2009 was a bad year for me. Well…to be perfectly honest…it actually really, really, really sucked. My entire life was thrown off kilter for dozens of reasons – school, finances, relationships, housing. It felt like just one thing after another was happening to tear my life apart and bring me down. Not a fun year. At the end of 2009, I felt I stood in the rubble of my life. I waded through broken dreams and ambitions. I kicked aside energy and drive. I precariously climbed over the remains of what was everything I had been working towards.
Am I being overly dramatic and waxing poetic? Perhaps, but that’s what happens when you’re at your wit’s end and throwing a big ol’ pity party for yourself.
Now that 2010 is underway, the craziness of the holidays and post-graduation euphoria/anxiety, I really need to focus on creating balance in my life – something that I feel is severely lacking. I am way off-balance – in many ways and in every aspect of my life. My work situation is uninspiring. My relationship needs some serious work before we kill each other. I put very little thought into my personal wellness. I am in desperate need of artistic inspiration and creative outlets.
The one good thing about 2009 was that I finished my MFA program – I am finally (after 8 years post secondary education) done with school (at least until I decide I want to get a Ph.D. or something). The downside to being done with school – I no longer have the structure that school provided to help me create that balance I need. Even though at times it seemed I was flying by the seat of my pants and running around like a chicken with his head cut off, my sculptural projects and class schedule provided a structure that I was able to fit the rest of my life into, helping me remain a little more calm and centered.
By starting this blog I hope it may help me find that balance. I had a blog a few years ago that I eventually abandoned, getting wrapped up in school and everything else that demanded my attention – forgetting some of the things that I loved to do. During the final semester of grad school, while diligently working on my thesis paper, I remembered something – I love writing. Writing was my first creative outlet when I was a kid, even before I really got into the visual arts and theatre. I crafted stories both fictional and autobiographical in countless black and white speckled composition notebooks from an early age. I used my writing to fuel my other artistic endeavors. The pen was my first paint brush. My rediscovery of the enjoyment I get out of writing leads me to developing this new creative and, in some ways, therapeutic outlet. Now, a keyboard will be my tools for sculpting.
Starting this blog has some anxiety connected to it – will anyone read it? Will I just ramble on and on about absolutely nothing or over-analyze things to the point of annoying my readers? By starting a blog I hope my blathering will connect with readers (that’s the whole point of writing in a public venue like this — to have readers). Just as I create pieces of art to be viewed, I want people to read what I write here, connect with it, and hopefully take a part of it with them. Even now I struggle to finish this short entry (it’s taken me a few times of sitting down to write to make it this far). I have to overcome my doubts in my abilities and just start publishing and ignore the little voices in the back of my head telling me it is not good enough.
So – here it is…my first entry: a rambling of everything floating around my brain, an introspective and not necessarily optimistic opening to a new writing endeavor, and 600+ words full of self-doubt and anxiety (the last 2/3′s of which I pounded out with little self-editing to force myself to get my thoughts out, so excuse any errors, please). I promise not to be so somber and self-pitying in the future – I look to 2010 as a year for change, regaining balance, and finally finding my place.
